last night after the drunkenness started to wear off mandy and i were laying in bed and started having extremely deep conversations that lasted until the early hours of the morning. i love deep convos. it was great. we talked about knowing your parents, and other people, being close to people and dying, and relationships, and we even talked about our big fight that happened before we left and i found out that she was just as upset as i was and that was weird to findout because i had no idea she even cared but apparently she spent the first day crying all day too. haha thats kind of cute we cried over each other. sisterly love. So anyways it was a really good night! And i woke up this morning and walked to starbucks with my dad and spent some time reading and drinking cofee and of course i love doing things like that so morning started off really great. I came back and had fun conversations with casey, ashley, and then i figured well why not call chris. I really thought this would be a good idea because before i left we talked on the phone and granted he was high at the time, it was a fun convo and we agreed that we need to hang out when i get back. We even talked about how when he lives in new york and i live in colorado he can come visit me here and we will fly to seattle and alaska because we always promised we would do that with each other. and i honestly think that we would be able to do that in the future. we have always been good friends in our relationship and it seems very possible that we still will be until there are days like today where i question everything about him, our past and our future. i just believed that chris would want to hear from me because he was all excited for me before i left. Damn those drugs i guess they mess you up because he was like "Call me from the Mountains!!!" I call him today and hes aloof and doesnt ask me questions or show any interest in anything i have to say. it really does seem like he cant handle me unless im depressed. maybe thats how i made it in our relationshp because lets face it I have tendancies to be depressed alot and he was always mr. happy go lucky and i had problems dealing with that too. Not only does he not care about anything I am saying but he aslo throws in rude comments and I get off the phone wondering why the hell i even put in any amount of effort for him anymore. its so backwards. I break up with him but yet im the one who cares about maintaining the friendship when he seems to careless unless im crying and saying i miss him or something. thats such crap. So I told him i am most likely moving here in a year and he just is like ...well im happy for you. if thats what you want. with absolutely no expression in his voice. and i just didnt know what to say. I figured alright hes just being pissy and sad and jealous so ill say something nice. so i say well i really want to do somethign with you when i get back before you go to montana. and the thing that gets me is I genuinely do. hes jsut like yeaahhhhh. what the hell is that. I wanted to say fuck you. It felt like one of those times where it is really necessary even though i dont think thats something to say to someone at all.So I just said alright ill call you when i get back or something and then i said bye and he just hung up. didnt say anything. Now all i can think is what an asshole. honestly what an asshole. i feel like calling him back and telling him that hes one and that i could care less anymore about being friends with him. and the sad part is in situations like this i realize just how true that is. why am i going to again, be the one to put effort into something that is futile. it is just really sad that he is one of those people who can never be happy for others and would rather have me out of his life than see me suceed and be happy. i dont care if he goes to pratt. that is so awesome. i genuinely feel very happy for him about him moving and doing everything he wants. i am not even a bit jealous. when you care about someone you want to seem them suceed right? It just is getting very hard for me to believe him, or believe in this concept that we are going to always be great friends. I think on my end it is possible because i have no problems with this whole situation. I accept it. It is sad and frusterating and makes you have many regrets but you can only move on. I wish he had the same attitude as me but that is asking to much. He has called back and apolgozied for our converstation but now, just like in our relationship it has gotten to the point where it doesnt even matter anymore. Nothing changes. apologies are not heartfelt but more like a person rambling off excuses for treating you like crap. And ive heard all the excuses and im done with them now and this is where chris fails to realize that he cant do this anymore because yes i do care, but am i going to kill myself over him not wanting to see me happy, no. If he cant handle it fine, bye. I dont need that. its upsetting and not worth it to have someones poor attitude and jealousy bring you down especially when you are able to be happy for them and want to see them do great things in their life. its just sad. but not worth being sad about at the same time, thats whats so confusing and hard. when does caring stop?